Men Defending Their Balls: A Superpoem


The following is a crowdsourced poem, its lines excerpted from the messages of men writing in to defend their balls. Please read it as a continuous composition. The poem will be updated periodically. Thank you for your time.

do you want to know why guys cant close their legs as much as women? because we have dicks.

males sit with legs apart for a very good reason: testicles,

okay, men have balls, they can’t close their legs otherwise it really, really hurts.

men have something called a penis that makes it uncomfortable to sit with our legs squished together in a fetal position like you apparently insist we should …

this is a matter of anatomy;


I’d say genital differences plays a role.

men sit with their legs wider apart because they have a penis.

like women and their bra.

men have external genitals between their legs;

a lot of guys sit like this because of their testicles.

do you not understand that men have balls?

why are you annoyed at us “defending our balls”?

it’s biomechanically complex—

if you haven’t realized, men have testicles between their legs, and sitting with our legs out is comfortable because we’re not squeezing our ball. 

as any man with testicles knows, crossing your legs or squeezing your knees together is uncomfortable.

i sit like that cus my BALLS would hurt if i fucking sat normally.

i was born with a penis, and therefore i have to sit big and masculine. i don’t have the privilege to sit however i want to. i have to sit like a man.

I too, like to spread my legs and not crush my dick,

it’s natural to open your legs because otherwise, at all times, our genitals are being pressed together by our thighs.

have you ruled out physiological differences?

nothing you say will change the fact that sitting with your legs spread is more comfortable on the balls.

I have all this stuff sitting between my legs and they’re extremely sensitive;

between men’s leg we have something call testicular and it is a bit disturbing manly when the size is substantial.

you would know what it’s like if you had balls;

men have a loosely attached sensitive area between their legs;

I can assure you I have a penis and pair of testes right between my leg.

grow a pair of balls and try to cross your legs.

try being 6foot 4inches and having a massive pair of balls between your legs.

have some balls.

like, I need my balls to not be crushed please,

a loose assemblage of bulky, heat-sensitive genitals,

testicles are things that can feel pain from being sat on—

men have different genitalia than what women have—this makes it more comfortable for men to sit with their legs in an open position:


we have testicles! I for one have to unbutton my belt when I sit down cause my crotch is too big.

some of us have something called testicles,

they sit with their legs open to protect their balls,

men spread their legs a little to not squash their nuts!

spreading their legs so that their balls are not being crushed between their legs,

men have testicles;

we have something called testicles,

förstår du väl att de MÅSTE sitta sådär, när de har en stor jävla balle mellan benen [men HAVE TO sit like that; they have a big fucking dick between their legs]!

—testicles are uncomfortable to squish, but it’s also unhealthy for them to be kept at body temperature, thus the issue is discomfort and health—

sitting is different when you have balls,

have you considered that men may just naturally sit with feet apart due to differences in the male pelvis or even the external male sexual organs?

I’ve always assumed it was an evolutionary thing related to male genitals.

it’s like your junk is in a vice!!!

we’re already your slaves, and we’re fine with being your slaves, just don’t crush our balls too—

I guess you’re not aware men have balls,

the issue of external genitalia—

men have a pair of sweaty bollocks between their legs. This makes the ballsack stick to the inside of the leg … especially when it is warm.

it’s extremely uncomfortable when you have a pair of balls,

a hot, sticky scrotum.

crushing your balls between your legs is a very very very displeasing event.

how dare these guys not want to crush their balls!

have you heard of penises and testicles?


i just wish my skincare routine better reflected my anti-colonialist tendencies


Because when we start deceiving ourselves into thinking not that we want something or need something, not that it is a pragmatic necessity for us to have it, but that it is a moral imperative that we have it, then is when we join the fashionable madmen, and then is when the thin whine of hysteria is heard in the land, and then is when we are in bad trouble. And I suspect we are already there.

Joan Didion, On Morality (from Slouching Towards Bethlehem)

It takes a lot of courage to even post anything here pro-choice now because of how obsessive pro-lifers are. I just had to applaud you!


that’s what i think is so messed up about this - it SHOULDN’T take courage for me to stand up for my belief in women’s access to basic healthcare - but it does, because the opponents of the reproductive justice movement have been known to murder doctors in their churches. they intimidate and harass women across the country on a daily basis, and yet politicians avoid this reality because they are white and christian. the bottom line for me is that when your side has committed thousands upon thousands of acts of vandalism, assault, arson, bombings, you name it, that is terrorism. it does not matter what race or religion you are. if you are harassing, intimidating, and threatening people into doing what you want, that is terrorism. and that’s why i am pro-choice, and will never stop fighting for women’s health.


whenever anyone asks how i’m doing i just imagine in my head the meme of professor farnsworth from futurama with the quote “i don’t want to live on this planet anymore”