some days
some days i will sit in the square and look out on the crowd
and everyone looks empty
the children are grey, their parents almost invisible
what happened?
.
i watch the young mothers
so cold and so precise
every movement calculated
every inhale sharp
even the sun would scowl if it could
.
these are the days preceded by restless nights
when i lie down on that yellowed sheet
sweat for seven hours
then rise, as if i have somewhere to be
.
.
it’s always too warm
at midday
at twilight
my palms are clammy, my hairline drenched
and there is a knot in my stomach the size of a football
or the size of the moon
or bigger than everything, i don’t know anymore
.
.
some days i watch the businessmen downtown, smoking cigars and telling jokes without punch lines
and at the end of every joke
one of them tries to turn the corners of his mouth upwards
and as i silently observe this ridiculous show
i want to laugh
if only it weren’t so grotesque
.
.
i laugh anyway
.
.
i love seeing the twenty-somethings walk in and out of coffee shops
they go in looking tired
and they come out looking tired and three dollars poorer
.
.
it seems to me that as you grow older
you do something like melt
very slowly, of course
but your bones shorten millimeter by millimeter
you lose small parts of yourself
in the shops you frequent
every time you feel pity
or when you become over-eager to receive gifts
.
it’s these daily hurdles that are sucking you dry
your love of material possessions
and your propensity to kill things smaller than yourself
.
on those rare nights when i sleep long enough to dream
i see myself in the park
digging my nails into the dirt
looking at the bugs in awe
.
they are so colorful
and every single one is opaque
they don’t seem to fade
.
i am quickly filled with rage
and i slam my fist into the ground, trying to hurt the things that have yet to hurt me
i am throwing punches at the dirt, my breathing grows heavy, and a crowd starts to gather
.
when i wake up
i am filthy
my bedroom looks like a forest
and i do not feel so alone
